Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category
Ye Olde Tax Commandments
I. Thou Shalt Not Ignore April 15.
II. Thou Shalt Not Hide From Tax Troubles.
III. Thou Shalt Seek All Tax Breaks for Which Thou Art Eligible.
IV. Thou Shalt Sign Thy Return.
V. Thou Shalt Not Respond to Tax Scams Such As Fake E-Mails or Phone Calls Supposedly From the IRS.
In depth posting will resume when my insane work schedule lightens up.
My Morning Chuckle
Since starting the morning commute again, I’m starting to see more and more of the same autos driving along with me. And there are certain cars that stand out more than others. You know which ones I’m talking about – the ones with enough stickers on them to resemble billboards with wheels.
The one that I saw this morning gave me pause and smile. This car is a little Honda that has stickers on it ranging from “Save the Whales”, “My Kid Goes to Michigan State, and So Does My Money”, and “My Kid Thinks I’m An ATM”. But the stickers that caught my attention were the following ones that, well, have been changed…
The sticker that was on the car that first caught my attention was the alteration of the round Obama sticker – you know the one – the red, white, and blue circle. Before, it was proudly displayed in all it’s glory. Now, instead of just having one line drawn through it, it now has a nice, thick “X” drawn through it like the X-Men symbol. But it didn’t stop there.
The second sticker was missing altogether. It was originally an “Obama / Biden 2008” campaign bumper sticker. In it’s place was the following sticker:
Think there is just a tad of voter’s remorse there?
Thought for the Week – Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.
The Teleprompter Takeover
Consider this picture from President Obama’s address after meeting sixth-graders at Graham Road Elementary School in Falls Church, Virginia. Can’t the man give a speech without his Teleprompters? One does begin to wonder who, or what, is running the country…
Perhaps the evil Cylons have joined forces with Skynet, and are downloading information into the Teleprompters for programming a previously unknown cybernetic model to lead us unwitting Humans down the garden path into a form of slavery known as “dependence on Government.” All of it financed, of course, by George Sauron with help from Caprica 6 and Ahnold.
I’m waiting for Teleprompters to become part of classroom teaching methods. Using teleprompters as part of the constant visual stimulation of modern teaching methods is one of the greatest methods of brainwashing known to man and machine. Add Teleprompters to the computers in the
classrooms, and no student will ever need to have a coherent thought to answer questions like what is the answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything [42]. Soon, all humans will become part of the Matrix…or are we already a part of the Matrix? Does anyone feel like a battery yet? I need my Red Pill…or was it Blue… What was I thinking about? I forgot…oh yeah…
Soon, we will all need Teleprompters to tell us what to say and do. That way, we will all become as successful as the President has become over the past year. But the program needs to be accelerated with the recent win in Massachusetts and the potential for the plans to be defeated. Thus:
Humans, resistance is useless!!
This message has been brought to you by: The Ring Corporation – "One to Rule Them All"; Cybernetic Life Foundation – "Logic is Life"; Skynet Communications – "Big Brother is Your Friend"; Teleprompters ‘R Us – "Making Learning Easier Without Thinking"; and Vogon Construction – “Destroying to Build a Better Universe”
The Farmer’s Donkey – A Lesson
One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well… The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; It just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone’s amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw.
With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORALS FROM TODAY’S LESSON:
Moral #1: Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping. Never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Moral #2: When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you!
Post #501
Well, almost, but not quite…
If you have noticed, this is Post #501, and comes several days after the “official” date of the original blog post on Tom’s Common Sense back on October 16, 2005. I also celebrated my 49th birthday on October 23rd. No, the fire department was not called in response to the multiple celebrations…..the extinguisher worked just fine.
It’s been almost four weeks since the last post (notification of the death of Z’s husband doesn’t count), and I must state that I have missed blogging as it provides a welcome safety valve. But then again, things haven’t changed all that much either.
The Democrats in the House and Senate are still trying to hammer out some form of health care reform, all the while alternately pleading and flaming their opponents to this legislation. I hope that they continue to debate and argue for a long time – the longer they go on, the more information becomes available to the public about their deals, and that is despite the multiple closed-door sessions in contrast to the incessant promises of transparency. Of course, a speedy passing of this abominable is what Congress and the President were hoping for, and thankfully, it hasn’t happened (yet?). But do we really need government to be all things? Here’s a blast from the very first post:
So how about the government taking care of your retirement? Are you nuts? How many of you bought into the fairy tale that the government would take care of us? The government can’t take care of itself, so how is it going to take care of you? Medicaid and Medicare are going broke, and every fix usually involves a tax increase that would kill the economy. The government would like you to pay taxes for all of your working life then die immediately on retirement so they can tax your estate too.
If government were run like a traditional company, they would have been out of business a long, long time ago. It’s almost enough to invest in a couple gross (that’s 144 times 2 for the math impaired) of the old Mason jars & bury your savings in the back yard with the biggest, meanest dog you can find taking up residence in the doghouse on top of the Mason jars. That & barter for everything you need…
And now we are being lectured by our Representatives that they will take care of our health care problems in addition to all the other stuff too. Of course, mentioning how much it is going to cost us and our future generations is not allowed…
But lurking in the background is the “American Clean Energy and Security Act,” aka the Waxman/Markey Bill, aka Cap & Trade. It’s currently in the Senate, having passed the House by 7 votes, and could have a bigger negative impact on the American economy than the health care legislation. But what is scary is the premise behind this legislation – the false science of Global Warming Climate Change.
Now I can put on my foil hat with the best of them, and speculate people’s motives until the sun burns out (or goes super-nova), but let’s have some common sense about Global Warming Climate Change. I’m not advocating running around polluting the Earth, I also do not advocate screwing up an already unsteady economy. I do distrust many of the people who are running around stating that we have to do something tomorrow in order to prevent the Earth from melting and/or drowning. The science is far from clear, and it doesn’t help when the high-priest of Global Warming Climate Change, Al Gore, refuses to debate his detractors and critics of his movie (also, when he makes millions from the Global Warming Climate Change movement also makes me skeptical of his motives). Then I find this little United Nations jewel called the Copenhagen Treaty.
The Copenhagen Treaty is a proposal for an amended Kyoto Protocol and a new Copenhagen Protocol by members of the NGO (Non-Governmental Organizations) community. Part of this treaty would be establishing Boards which would reallocate resources from one country to another. The following excerpt is from Page 40 of the Draft Agreement found at Greenpeace:
5. Other means may also be used to raise financial resources to support developing country Parties in their efforts, including, but not limited to, a levy on aviation and maritime transport, pursuant to Article X ( Aviation and maritime transport ).
A levy on aviation and maritime transport is envisioned as part of the Copenhagen Protocol ( see Article X later in the text ).
6. Each Party included in Annex B shall be responsible for a portion, its assessed amount, of the financial resources required for the 2013-2017 commitment period, as outlined in paragraph 2. Responsibility shall be determined on the basis of the scale of assessments as outline in Annex C to this Protocol, taking into account a Party’s
historical responsibility and capacity to pay. (emphasis mine)Each industrialized country should be responsible for part of the 160 billion USD per year required to support action in developing countries as part of its binding obligations for the 2013-2017 commitment period. Fulfillment of each industrialized country’s financial commitment would be measured, reported and verified in accordance with
the provisions of Article 10.
To further illustrate the impact of the above, here is an excerpt from Lord Christopher Monckton’s presentation in St. Paul, MN on the subject of Global Warming Climate Change on October 14, 2009:
His full 95-minute speech (with Powerpoint slides) can be found <here>.
As I’ve stated above, nothing much has changed in the past month concerning the subjects of Health Care and Global Warming Climate Change except that more information about these pieces of insanity have become available. What our elected officials are proposing to save us (and the world) will most likely drive this country down to the level of a 3rd-world banana republic.
But I do have to leave you with something that should leave a smile on your face amongst the doom and gloom…
An Engineer in Hell
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you’re an engineer – you’re in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how’s it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake – he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
How Do You Know?
One of my cats is recovering from a urinary tract infection, and is doing very well with some new medication. But something is puzzling me…
The warning on the side of the bottle states, “May cause drowsiness.”
Now tell me – with a cat, how do you know?
Think about it…
Avast, Me Hearties!!
For a day at least, we’re going to have a little fun… For today is:
International Talk Like a Pirate Day!!
So don’t be a bilge rat! Sail on over to the official site (link here) to find out how to talk like a pirate and impress your buckos and frighten your enemies!
We’ll be a’watchen…. Gunner’s Mate Tom…
The Importance of Exercise
As some of you know, my wife and I work out two to three times a week (she does more than that, I’m ashamed to say). She has lost over 30 pounds, and I have lost around 20, and we are maintaining our “ideal” weight. So when we get something like the below in an email, we have to share.
- Walking 20 minutes can add to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
- My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.. Now he’s 97 years old … and we haven’t a clue where he is.
- I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
- The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
- I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
- I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. I haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to actually go there.
- Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
- The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they’ll say, “Well, he looks good, doesn’t he.”
- If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
- I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years, just getting over the hill was enough.
- We all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a lot more information in our skulls. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
- Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.
You could run this over to your friends, but just e-mail it to them.
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